[to the point movie reviews]

Tonights review, Alice In Wonderland directed by Tim Burton written by Linda Woolverton  and starring Mia Wasikowska, Johnny Depp, Helana Bonham Carter, and Matt Lucas.

Alice, now nineteen and soon to be betrothed to Hamish, a not-as-revolting-as-he-should-be character, run’s away after a white rabbit during his proposal to her. She chases the rabbit to a hole in the ground and promptly falls into the gaping chasm that is Wonderland. After much deliberation and several growth spurts and reverse growth spurts, she opens one of the many doors belonging to the room she fell into, and finds the Rabbit, a Dodo bird, a Mouse, and two odd looking fat boys played by Matt Lucas named Tweedledum and Tweedledee. She is told by the group that she was brought here to slay the Jabberwocky who can only be killed by the Vorpal Sword.. But as the group fights over whether she is the real Alice (this film is the sequel to the animated film of the same name. And Alice forgot that) or not, they’re attacked by a group of…. Red… Cards? And a scarred man with a heart shaped eye patch. Alice, Tweedledum, Tweedledee, escape. But then a giant bird grabs Tweedledum and Dee, bringing them to the castle of the Red Queen. The Knave of Hearts, the evil sidekick and what – have – you to the Queen tells her that Alice is back, although the Knave has never actually seen the girl. Oh, and the Queen has this huge head. Meanwhile, Alice is lost. But wait! The Cheshire Cat Shows up and leads her to The Mad Hatter, March Hare, and the Mouse from before. The Knave of Hearts shows up with a dog named Bayard who’s family has been imprisoned by the evil Queen. He finds Alice, but The Hatter has made he even smaller so to fit in a teapot. he shoos Bayard and the group of red people leaves. The Hatter quickly runs away with Alice but is caught. He saves her by throwing her across a wide river on his hat. She hides under it but Bayard finds her. She convinces him to help her with her cause and he takes her to the Castle and quickly runs to find the White Queen. Alice is found by the White Rabbit and he gives her a piece of cake that makes her larger. Much larger. After talking to the spastic Queen about how back in her country of Umbridge, people would make fun of her because she was so big. The Queen takes her in because her head is… big. Anyway, The Hatter is presented to the Queen whilst Alice sits by her side. The Hatter persuades the Queen to let him make her a hat. She agrees because her head is a touchy subject. Alice finds out the Vorpal Sword is hidden in the cage of the Bandersnatch. Alice steals the sword and runs for it. When the Queen finds out that the girl was really Alice, she decides to  kill the Hatter. But the Hatter is saved by the Cheshire Cat. Tweedledum, Tweedledee, the Hatter, and The Mouse, escape the place and run toward the White Queens Castle where the March Hare and Alice are waiting. And that’s when trouble starts a-brewing….

Don’t. I wouldn’t again. This just wasn’t a good movie. I speak the truth. I’m a big fan of Burton. Sleepy Hollow was good, Edward Scissorhands was good, Nightmare Before Christmas was good, The Corpse Bride was fantastic. This… this is not as much. I felt no attachment to these characters. The Hatter frickin’ start break dancing at the end. Who does that!? Tim Burton doesn’t! Or, he shouldn’t. Because he obviously went there. Half of the time, I couldn’t tell what the characters were saying. The Red Queen was annoying and unfunny. The short cameo by Christopher Lee was a nice surprise. The art direction was the only good part of this movie. It felt like a painting come to life. Now, I saw this in 3D.  I’m not a fan of 3D. I have thick glasses and very bad eyes so that might be a factor but I didn’t like it.

I don’t think I can say anything else. There was nothing to this movie. It was barely entertaining. It is worth a mattinee but don’t bother with the 3D.

-james